kangaeteru koto

Taken From Heidi. ___________________________________________________________________

PART I. From Megumu Tanabe’s Multiply Blog.

Here’s to the ones who waited all night for him to call, only to check the caller ID the next morning and be disappointed.

The ones who made it through that bitter break up, dried your own tears, and moved on with your life, only to have him walk back in it months later like nothing ever happened.
Those of you who cried on the first day you talked again because you knew exactly where this phone call was going.

The ones who listened to him say “I only want to be your friend” one day, and the next, listened to him say how much he loves and misses you.

We deserve something, and this is our tribute.

Here’s to the ones that took him back, hoping that maybe this time, he was different, hoping that maybe people really do change. We listened to our friends tell us that we were stupid for even thinking about giving him another chance, caught crap from our parents, and even snuck around to see him for while.

We went through the great stage with no fights all over again. We started this out thinking it would be just friends, and ended up falling in love with him again. We wanted nothing more in the world than to hear him tell us he loved us too, that even though things were bad in the past, they would be different this time. And when we finally heard it, it was like we were dreaming.

This is for us.

Here’s to the ones who believed what he said, sat around all over again waiting for a phone call that might come in a few hours, or a few days.

Here’s for the tears cried and dried all over again.

We wanted so desperately to believe that he was really busy, he couldn’t possibly call us at that moment, or even that he fell asleep early. We trained ourselves to believe the lies because we wanted to believe we had found the one for us.

We learned to SETTLE for someone who didn’t treat us the way we should be treated.

Here’s for the ones who did their hair and make up and put on their prettiest earrings, only to hear him say that he couldn’t see us today.

The ones who never believed it when people told us there might be someone else.

We just couldn’t believe that he could do this to us AGAIN. This is for those great girls, who loved him more than words can say, and took him back no matter what happened last time because they couldn’t bear to look back on their lives one day and wonder “what if”.

This is for the ones that held on to something that was never there to begin with.

Here’s to the girls who couldn’t cry to their friends because of how stupid they felt. The ones who held it all in when things came crumbling to pieces again.

This is for the ones who couldn’t bear to even tell their mom what was going on, for fear of an “I told you so.”

The ones that could just TELL that they had made a mistake ever allowing him into their hearts, and their dreams again. We knew that we deserved better the entire time, that we deserved a guy who would call when he said he was going to, one that would come see us whenever he got the chance, one that would really care about us.

WE JUST WANTED THE ONE THAT WE LOVED LIKE THAT. No matter how badly he treated us.

Here’s for the ones that FINALLY realized that he never gave a crap about them. Here’s for the time that he broke your heart again. This is for those days spent trying to hold back the tears, and the tears that turned into anger, then disappointment.

Here’s for us girls who finally realized that we deserve better.

This is for those confusing days, when you miss him, and want nothing more than to hear his voice, or feel his arms around your waist. Stay strong, and remember that relationships are like broken glass, sometimes it’s better to leave it alone rather than try to put the pieces back together and get hurt.

Remember the times you cried, and how long it took you to even be able to look at another guy like that. When “your song” comes on the radio, change the station. When the day comes that he realizes what a mistake he made and tries calling, turn your phone off. When he tries coming to your house, don’t answer the door. Think of the broken promises, and the lies, the manipulation and the tears, the wasted moments and staying up all night wondering where the crap he was.

Think of how your heart used to jump when your phone would vibrate in the middle of the night, and how it fell to your stomach when you saw it wasn’t him, and realized that once again, he hadn’t called when he said he was going to.

One day, you’ll find a guy who’s worth all the tears, but he won’t make you cry. You may think that you’ll never care about someone like you did that guy that you always ran back to, but you will.

It’s gonna hurt like crap, and it’s going to need time to heal, but the point is, it will heal.

This is for those girls, who fell back in love with a guy, only to get hurt all over again.

PART II. Anonymously Written.

It’s been almost two years and everything still remains fresh in my mind.

I thought I’ve already made it through, I guess I was wrong. All I needed for everything to come running back to me again was that tiny spark of hope that made me feel like I was wanted again, that I truly am special and that I did mean that much to him.

I couldn’t help but blame myself for being so foolish to actually think that things would be different this time, that he’s changed and that I’d be able to relive the happy days we once had.

I spend every single day since that moment he came back, day dreaming of how great things would be once things went the way they would in the perfect little world in my mind.

I went over all the good times and debated with myself that he’d treat me no differently anyway, cos that’s how he is– completely indecisive and confusing. Whenever this happened, I’d find myself crying my heart out at the thought that I lost to myself on that debate. Why? Because it happened all over again.

He stopped communicating with me, and each time I tried so hard just to hear his voice, I’d breakdown knowing that I had been too naive to believe all the things he told me. He’d barely call or show up when he said he would. He’d make dates and make a way out of it. He doesn’t even have the guts to tell me that it’s finally and truly OVER this time.

I cry my heart out everytime I remember all the times he treated me way less than I deserved to be treated and how desperate I was to convinvce myself that it was all going to be better.

A couple of days ago, I finally had the courage to admit to myself that he won’t EVER change, that the love I have felt for him all this time will never be reciprocated as much and all I could do was be thankful that he did love me in the past– even just for that short period of time.

I have resolved to stop hoping for something that will never happen and continue to love him until it subsides to hopefully, something less. I know I will still cry everytime the thought of him comes up, that my heart will drop whenever I see him and that I will never ever forget about him no matter who I meet, that he will always be my first and only true love, that he will always be the ONE.

They say that through the course of our lives, we will meet our soulmate. We WILL meet the one but it doesn’t necessarily mean that we will END UP with him.I can say that I have met him, I know it’s ironic that I found my soulmate in someone that’s so messed up, but at least I am happy to say that I did.

I will continue to love him for as long as my heart can take it. But don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean that I won’t love someone else, it’s just that he will always be extra special to me. I will finally let go of all desires of making ways to be with him again. I will let him go completely and just be on the sidelines waiting for those days he’d need a friend cos I’d always be there for him. I will always wish him the best in life, joy and true love. I will keep my promise of “forever” to him. All these promises I’ve kept for almost two years and I intend to keep them for ten times that period of time.

With this entry, I set him free. As free as he wants to be.

Just as Paolo Coelho wrote in his book Eleven Minutes:
“A time to be born, and a time to die; A time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is
planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones
together; A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from
embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; A time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war, and a time of peace.
This sounded like a farewell, but it was the loveliest farewell I would ever experience in my life.”

I just want everyone to know that I am not mad at him, how can I be? I love him. It’s just this time, I want to lessen and eventually, stop the painful part of loving him, I want to have bliss in the thought that I am in love with him.

I want to watch him freely in his own world. To be able to love him from a distance and still have my heart skip a beat each time he crosses my path.

Now, to that guy: I will always love you, no matter what. I am happy at the thought that I made even a slight difference in your life. I will always wish you well, Love.